Tag: vaginal birth

Anja  1:25 

For sure, and there’s someone else involved, right it’s not really just a decision for me and my body. There’s a baby there, you know that what if I make a decision wouldn’t really mess it up? Yeah, making the

 

PK  1:35 

choice for someone else is such a heavy burden, right that you’re that you will end up doing 1000 times after that, but that’s pretty dramatic. I agree. It does.

 

Anja  1:45 

It does add the loss of control. I had no idea that I really did like to control what my life was like my expectations and up until birth. I think I was able to control enough of my environment. You know that this was in a shock to more than just

 

PK  2:02 

the birthing process. It leaves you with the impression that you have control which Yeah, oh, yeah. Yeah. But yes, yeah. So how much space is there between your son and your daughter? Two and a half years? Okay. So, so does that mean that you have processed all the trauma before you got pregnant again? Or I thought I had Yeah,

 

Anja  2:21 

yeah, I had really had the space and the support just sort of grief that I did. But I really wanted this vaginal birth, which is so funny to me now because what do you get a pat on your back? Whoa, you did it that way right. But at the time, it was super important to me and I had to seek a different doctor and find actually into I then took a little bit more on interview doctors to say this is what I want. And I found an amazing doctor who was surprised even it was a book that was set seem so uncommon here that he was like I will be there and he he fought for me because really, he was feeling very strongly that we should we were very quick to move he thought he was gonna have to be another C section because she just did not want to come out after hours and hours.

 

PK  3:06 

So you get pregnant easily. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Is the pregnancy similar? Does it feel the same?

 

Anja  3:13 

It I think because you then have a toddler and felt sort of that I the sickness lasted longer in this one and tiredness and I had been swelling like the ankle, the feet and that kind of thing happening with her which I didn’t have with my son. And so that part was different slightly. It was really I just remembered that one and I had many moms that we’ve got another before I could rest when I want to rest on that I had somebody who’s like, let’s go to the park. Yeah.

 

PK  3:45 

So I had a C section for my first for a variety of reasons. I chose to have a C section again the second time around. My doctors were relieved when I told them I would not be trying for a VBAC.

 

Anja  3:56 

Absolutely, yeah, I remember sort of really having to seek out and ask people and try to find out, you know, that I wanted this

 

PK  4:05 

was much harder. It was a much harder thing to gain access to 20 years ago. I found a couple of articles in medical journals that suggested in the late 90s into the early 2000s, the VBAC rate was on a steep decline. To give you an idea of that decline. One study that looked at VBAC rates across eight academic centers in the US found a rate of 28.3% in 1996, and 9.2% in 2004. These declines are attributed to a complicated mix of things like perceptions that the backs weren’t safe changes in hospital policies and shifts in the health of Burling people. I have faced the challenge of finding help with this procedure. In Canada, not the US, but it looks like these trends extended across the border. I’ll link to the articles about the US and Canadian rates of vivax in the shownotes if you’re interested.

 

Anja  4:59 

And then I did start to advocate for myself, you know, having been through it at least you have a bit more but idea don’t there’s no control. We get that but it was yeah, a different sort of setup. But I remember going in to the hospital was a different hospital. I had said I do want epidural right from the beginning, no fighting at gunpoint, and my husband was there saying oh, she just like a small dosage or something and I really smacked him. I went no, just whatever you give.

 

PK  5:31 

Why is he Why is he standing?

 

Anja  5:34 

That I would have wanted it to still be in the birth. Okay, like more of the feeling of it, then he felt that maybe last time having the epidural stock my body working, okay, same way, okay. Is what my I think. And so I ended up pushing a long, long time for her and they ended up having to use the backing thing on her head quarterbacking to hold it down. And then yeah, that was funnily enough recovering from that took a lot longer than the C section one and I don’t know why that is because I had two people there that I had really bad. I told really bad and then had to have those stitches. And yeah, that was my memory.

 

PK  6:21 

At the time did a birth feel like a triumph? Like now I actually okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it’s nice thing what you focus

 

Anja  6:30 

on right?

 

PK  6:31 

I know but it’s nice that you focus on this thing and it worked out and then you felt satisfied, right?

 

Anja  6:35 

Yes. Yeah, absolutely. That was yeah, pretty much so and felt very blessed to have a little girl and it was very much we are done. Let’s get a puppy.

 

PK  6:48 

Totally. So you suggested earlier that that birth was followed by a postpartum depression or so. What how did that look different and and what did you notice?

 

Anja  7:00 

A lot of crying, a lot of crying everything about very overwhelming. I don’t know how in my head. I was able to but I was still working at our business and I was still going backwards and forwards and I would go to work. Come back and nurse and then go back to work and my husband would be home with the kids and I just was in my head. I cope. I’m not one of those women. We just cope. We can manage it all you know, and as a detriment to myself. And so I did eventually go to see a doctor and I cannot recall the drug but she really didn’t particularly Listen to me that I had just had a baby and that I had a toddler at home and she was quick to prescribe me something and I didn’t take it. It was some very strong addictive something. And so I kind of sorted out a little bit by myself with the call it sorting out like I just was able to let it as much as possible happen. The tears and things and the change my body was pretty bad for that one I’d been quite a bit of weight I felt very like moving victory. I also felt you know, I breastfed both of them and I definitely felt for my second child but it was it felt more of a chore because I’ve got things to do now. Just sit in a door with a lovely face. I was like breastfeeding as you as a mom wife walking around doing stuff, that kind of thing.

 

PK  8:23 

That sounds tricky. So how long would you say that postpartum lasted?

 

Anja  8:27 

I think a good five, six months. Okay. Yeah. After and then Yeah, I bet for in my recollection I was she was about three to three months old when I went to the doctor. And then it was just yeah. Yes, that’s what I would say.

 

PK  8:43 

I would also say probably 20 some odd years ago, postpartum depression was so not a thing we talked about or recognize that I can imagine your doctor not focusing on it because it just wasn’t a thing for us. Right? It wasn’t.

 

Anja  8:58 

That’s very true. That’s very true. And I remember her being a young doctor because my original doctor wasn’t there or something. And I just I remember feeling kind of shamed by it a little too, and a little more like a well, you know, here take this and then and I remember saying to them, but this is pretty addictive. And really, probably if she just listened to maybe a cup of tea and said, you know, oh, god, yeah, that is a lot. No wonder. Yeah, yeah, would have would have made a difference out.

 

PK  9:28 

Okay, so postpartum depression was not really a thing about 20 years ago when Anya and I were giving birth. I know that this is gonna sound like one of those stories where we walked uphill in the snow to school, uphill both ways. I think one of the first times I was introduced to the idea of postpartum depression was through the actress Brooke Shields, who described her experience of postpartum depression. In her book Down came the rain in 2005. And her public announcement was met with a range of reactions. And weirdly Tom Cruise is involved in this story. At the time, Tom Cruise, yes, Top Gun Tom Cruise, criticized the actress for taking drugs and became particularly passionate about it on an interview on today. So here’s a quote from an article talking about it. Tom Cruise’s yelling at Matt Lauer and he says you don’t know the history of psychiatry. I do. And then he went on to say that there’s no such thing as chemical imbalances that need to be corrected with drugs and that depression can be treated with exercise and vitamins. And then Brooke Shields responded that he those remarks were a disservice to mothers everywhere. So that weird cultural moment actually happened. And it’s all to illustrate that Anya experienced postpartum depression at a time when it wasn’t openly discussed like it is today. Yeah. So you get over the postpartum period, you know, the depression and everything. And you decide no more kids. We’re not having sex.

 

Anja  10:56 

Yeah, yeah. I was completely overwhelmed with parenting. We incredibly so and I came pretty cocky into the situation having been a nanny. Yeah, I know what to do. And I still was not prepared for the full on. Fear. Why am I doing this? Why am I doing this wrong needs of a child constantly, you know, 24/7 meeting you needing something from you. I found it super super overwhelming and I was so thoroughly enmeshed in there with my children, which is not a healthy place to be. You know, now, you know, but you know of us. And so yeah, that sort of changed a lot of my awareness of myself. I did feel incredibly good as like having been able to make and bring children into the world. There was something about it myself, my femininity, my confidence in myself, my mother bear. I didn’t know that was going to come out so strong, but I really believed only I could be the best person for them. No one else could watch them or be with them. And, you know, with work and running our business and all these things I just I didn’t think to ask for help. I didn’t know that was an option. I didn’t want to be vulnerable enough. I believed I can do it all that’s so

 

PK  12:24 

interesting, given that you were a nanny for someone else, right? Yeah. Yeah.

 

Anja  12:29 

Yeah. And a very judgmental nanny. I’m a great man. He was really good with the kids and fun and playful that kind of thing. But I really would say, Oh, this is your children. Because also hard on the mind. Yeah, it’s not the ghetto in my generation. That’s what you know, the focus was on the moms and the martyrdom of mom motherhood and giving it all up and for your children. It should all be about children and I said sarcastically now because to me that one of the biggest misconceptions from growth right through to raising them, that it shouldn’t all be about my children. parenthood, motherhood. I can’t talk about father is all about me actually. So

 

PK  13:12 

this this feels like a bit of the magic. Why don’t you lay some Yogi parenting on us. And let us know what you would have done for younger Ania what what could you have told younger Ania to make this room easier?

 

Anja  13:26 

Yeah. Great question. First of all, we really bring kindness into the picture. Kindness for myself. I would have told myself that it’s okay to ask for help. You do not have to do it all. And the yogi side would be you know, how about you just stand still a minute before you respond? Before all those emotion that you know you’re like a emotional coach to your child right as they’re growing up and I’ll take it around and I feel it so much in my body and my body would carry theirs and mine and my husband’s and societies and lives and sometimes just pausing and taking a big graph can really change how you respond to something, you know, how really seeking help and support and asking for it is actually a superpower rather than not. And then the real, underlying part is our kids are super, super wide. They do not need us to figure it all out for them. We have our wisdom, but they were trusting our intuition. We’re being present in our body. If we are using that beautiful lifeforce of breath in different ways to bring us to this present moment. You see things differently. I’m running ahead Busy, busy, busy, the whole time like to work and this and I can cope and I can do and my own personal self was completely neglected. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I was so mission on his mom and his, her mom and these kind of things and kind of realizing their wisdom of their own life experiences actually has nothing to do with me so lean back.

 

PK  15:08 

So on your writes about this in her book, relating what you can learn from yoga and apply to your quote, real life. She writes, Many of us unconsciously lean forward thinking we are alone. So many of us walk and sit leaning into life. Many are racing forward leaning into other people’s business. We leave with our chin rather than our heart. And then she goes on to write all of this relates to parenting we are in our children’s lives. We are leading so far into them that there’s no space for them or us to breathe fully. We’re in charge of everything about them and all that they do each day. We make it our business to be involved in every aspect of their lives. We’re coming from a place of possession. I see this so often and mothers are consumed by this. They’re leading so far and that it’s surprising that they have not fallen over want to walk around the outside of school buildings with a megaphone shouting step away from your child.

 

Anja  16:01 

That’s a whole too much.

 

PK  16:04 

No, that’s That’s awesome. So how did you how’d you get from the enmeshed to the person you are right now who can I give advice?

 

Anja  16:13 

Right? So when I was pregnant with my daughter, I started some yoga classes. I think I had maybe taken some a bit before I wasn’t I really actually didn’t believe in it. I didn’t really like it. I didn’t like the idea of touching my toes. I certainly did not like the idea of sitting with myself and being quiet all the things which I now know vital. And I had started taking some yoga classes. I think we’re at that point maybe they were both in school or preschool I think my daughter maybe be five. And the transformation for me was super slow, but it started to be all the stuff that I did off the mat using the skills that I learned on the map. Right. So the present wet moment awareness, right, which, obviously as a yogi, for yourself, you you there are moments on your map doesn’t happen the whole time. But there are moments that you’re fully present in the breath. Mind is clear, right so you give yourself a chance to be still. And so I just started I was going I think every Thursday morning for about six years or so I would go into this yoga class. And it was the feeling afterwards and the feeling of being so much more aware of my own body how my natural stance was holding my breath. Yeah, so my natural stance was full on anxiety intention, never knew that was like that had to peel back the layers or suddenly, you know, you’re I’d be like, feel like I’m relaxing. I’m making a cup of tea or cutting vegetables and my shoulders are up here. My jaw was tense and I had no idea. So like I said from before, it was really a head walking round. body underneath that I had no no connection to. And I grew through my yoga on my yoga mat to really like myself. Again. I’m really kind of lovable, more in love with my style, as imperfectly as I am, as you know, bits of me where my mind goes how I am what I what matters. I didn’t realize I was an empath at all. Meanwhile, I’ve been soaking up people’s energy since babyhood of my own. And so that was all the tie in and then I realized how simple but difficult it is to be fully present. First for me, and then for my children. Yeah, and that was a big change around and how I planted.

 

PK  18:37 

It is it is an amazing transformation and I came to yoga much later than you did, and I was like an athletic person before then. And for me, the most shocking thing was to coordinate breath with movement in that really controlled way which I had never done before. And I had a really hard time doing I was really surprised that it was so hard to do that. But it is you know, the breath work is so powerful and it is this dual connection between mind and body where body can dramatically affect mind. I mean you don’t really think of it that teachers don’t really think of it as a two way.

 

Anja  19:17 

Yeah, absolutely. And I think going back to sort of the yogi part of things, the more I liked myself, the more I showed up as a kinder mom. Right, the more I could be when I say parenting is more about me. I bring energy into the room I come in as a bitch nobody’s really being very nice right and and I’m not talking about ever perfection I am so far from perfect, beyond imperfect beyond imperfect that realizing that I actually feel my own energy can change whole situation, how I respond to something changes the whole situation. You know, being caught up in like kids are really annoying and they fall on and they trigger you in all kinds of ways all the way from little babies who don’t want to sleep all the way up to Team slamming doors and their life choices. It’s a continual learning, but it all starts with me that was one of the biggest changes. I think yoga really was the catalyst for me for that. Yoga was my therapy I guess to know myself more to realize you know, a certain twist or certain thing I could just be bursting into tears and crying and I wouldn’t know why. But my body was just like, Oh, thank god she’s just finally letting go letting go.

 

PK  20:33 

Yeah, that’s amazing of becoming embodied is a is a huge deal. Right that has a dramatic effect on who you are in the world and how you show up and I agree with you that it is it’s easy to be overwhelmed as a parent, right? There’s lots going on. I don’t know how universal This characteristic is, but to take on the emotional, emotional content of your kids. moods. feels very natural to me feels like the thing that you would do. Yeah, that’s a that’s a tricky thing to do within your own body. And I mean, you’re

 

Anja  21:10 

absolutely, absolutely and, you know, having the compassion to I mean, Yoga I started was called propelling yoga. And that’s why they eventually went and had my teacher training and then that’s really my environment is really about self compassion, compassionate self acceptance. And I would imagine practically everybody I’ll speak just for myself, though, is a feeling of unworthiness that comes with us. From childhood through divorce and they were back just having parents to people like nobody, you will figure it out. From them and compassion for my son and, you know, being able to say sorry, I messed up and being able to say, Okay, guys, I’m out of here. I need a timeout. I just can’t handle the emotions. And I’ve even to this day, I find that the hardest part to keep myself separate from them not detach, you know, filling my own energy field working on rooting them all in my head and I’m stressed and I realize I don’t know enough my stuff. I couldn’t cope with a lot in one time. Now I’m pretty strong person. Now and there’s lots going on in my life and obviously, loads of ups and downs and a huge big thing. But I really for me, I need to keep coming back to me in order to be able to sort out a problem deal with a death deal with, you know, money issues deal with marriage, you know, and for that it’s the honoring of myself again, that there has to be the change. I can’t change who this child is. Yeah, and do my damnedest, but really, if I see them in the light of love, just on their own journey and their own experience. I felt for me a huge weight lifted like I don’t actually have to figure it all out. Very subtle. I don’t have to figure it all out for everybody. You know, I actually they can figure that out for themselves. And the best I can do is lead by example, you know, and again, not in perfect ways. Like if I don’t if everybody feels like they’ve been really unkind. Okay, hey, I’ll have a look at yourself. I just realized I snapped at them and shouted at them and I’m not being very kind right. It’s that kind of constant self awareness and reflection. Yeah,

 

PK  23:27 

that sounds like an amazing journey and an amazing thing that you’re giving to other people through your coaching business. So how can people find you you’re on the web?

 

Anja  23:36 

Yeah, my biggest place that I hang out and offer different solutions and things that would be on Instagram as Yogi parenting coach. Yeah, that’s kind of the main one. I do have a website things that I’m just not very active. I need all those things sorted out sometime but I like Instagram. So that’s really where you’re seeing most of me and you can book with me and you can I wrote a book about parenting from this place. How yoga changed the way I parent. Get that on Amazon. So yeah.

 

PK  24:06 

Well, that’s super cool. Congratulations, and thank you so much for sharing your story. That’s amazing. Well, thank you very

 

Anja  24:13 

much. I’m glad we connected. I think what you’re doing is an awesome thing, because we really need real authentic stories out there for that next generation generation to speak about sugarcoating, right? Yeah,

 

PK  24:27 

totally, totally. Thanks for sharing both her birth stories and her journey through parenting and how yoga shaped her view and approach to parenting. I will end this episode with two more excerpts from her book. She writes, becoming a parent is a big old bumpy ride. The moment I think I’ve got something figured out. It all switches up again. And then I am again trying to figure it out from scratch. It’s important to be told this before we become parents, it needs to be transparently said and not how bad it must be included in the preparation with having a baby along with shopping for maternity clothes and buying the highchairs it is only the honest truth of what’s to come that will. It is only the honest truth. of what’s to come that will give us real expectations of what real life parenting is all about. Our kids have the longest relationships we will ever have. So I found that really moving. And one other thing I wanted to share is she in a little section she titled yoga doesn’t fix. She wrote yoga in and of itself doesn’t fix things. it didn’t for me. It didn’t change my circumstances, the depths, sorrows, fears or hardships, but it helped guide me to change how I responded to them. It gave me choices and allowed me to process some of it through my body and brand rather than my mind. Thanks again, Tanya, and thank you for listening. If you liked the show, share with friends, and subscribe so you don’t miss an episode, we’ll be back next week with another inspiring story.