Tag: PPD

Megan: So I was really scared going into my second birth because I was scared I was gonna have to have another C-section. I didn’t want another emergency c-section.

 But I did wanna try to have a V back. So I was trying to balance, I don’t wanna schedule a C-section because I don’t wanna do it if I don’t have [00:27:00] to, but I also don’t wanna end up in the same situation because it was, it was just horrible. emergency C-sections are, it’s terrible. I think they’re, you’re, it’s really painful.

The recovery took forever. It was just not a good situation. But I did have this wonderful, wonderful doctor who really cared about us. She really, really wanted it to work for us. She was also very practical and wasn’t gonna push it if it wasn’t gonna work. So she would tell me what was best, basically.

 I learned that I can ask more questions and get more information than I had the first time. But it was really, it was really the birth itself that sort of gave me back to myself in a way, if that makes sense.

Yeah. So so labor started on its own. We went to the hospital and we, we went a bit earlier than most people would because it was a second birth and because I’d had a C-section, so we, they wanted to be monitoring me fairly well. My doctor didn’t end up being the [00:28:00] one who delivered my son, but one of her colleagues who was also wonderful was there.

And so it went sort of similar except for I wasn’t induced. So it was a few hours of sort of active labor, but not. Baby’s coming, pushing out kind of labor. I went into transition this time, I was prepared for it. So I knew like I might be at four centimeters. Once I start hitting those really strong, powerful contractions, I will dilate very fast.

And I let them know that ahead of time, this is what, this is, what will probably happen. And then with him it was different. My water broke very dramatically and he just dropped right down. Wow. The nurse was like, well, let’s check you. And she’s like, oh, that’s ahead. We are having this baby opens the door, calls out, we’re having a baby in here,

And I pushed for about half an hour with him. And I was scared because the doctor, he was. He was kind of doing little frowns and hmms and I was like, what is he stuck? And he’s like, no, no, he’s not stuck. [00:29:00] We are having this baby today. Everything is okay. I just, I wasn’t quite stretching as well as he would’ve liked.

So he did end up doing an app episiotomy which some people are probably gonna be like, oh no, not the app episiotomy. But for me, coming from an emergency C-section that was nothing, I was not even the least bit concerned. I’m like, do what you gotta do, it’s fine. And it was totally different.

So he comes out, they put him right on my chest. I got to hold him for an hour before they even checked him or did anything cuz he was, you know, he was fine. And we had him with us the entire time and it was just, it was absolute bliss in comparison. It felt so easy, , it was just yeah, it was amazing.

And and I was able to nurse him. I nursed him for 13 months and he was this really happy, chubby little blonde boy, and he was just an absolute dream. And then, you know, it’s the whole mothers and sons thing. I was completely in love with him. . It was just ridiculous. His big sister was completely in love with him to, [00:30:00] and yeah, it just sort of, it was really healing, it felt like, cuz I’d also had postpartum depression and I was really angry.

 You had postpartum depression after the first one. Mm-hmm. . And it sounds like you changed your doctor. Oh yeah. Okay. So, absolutely did. So maybe walk us a little bit through, through that. How does that process happen? How do you, figure out you have postpartum depression?

I didn’t figure it out strangely until she was about seven or eight months old. That’s when I realized, okay, something is wrong. This is not normal. This is not me. I was just angry. and I’m not usually an angry person. And, and I feel like just for a lot of people, even if you don’t have postpartum depression, having kids can trigger you in ways you’ve never been triggered before.

And the sleep deprivation, I feel like for me, I know that’s a big factor, but also just the trauma and all of the, dashed hopes, and everything was you know, and it was just, it was this [00:31:00] huge transition and I did not take to it as well as I was hoping. I absolutely loved my baby from , before she was even born, would take a bullet for her without a thought, loved her.

And also staying home with her drove me nuts. She wasn. A difficult baby, but she wasn’t an easy baby either, and she, she really likes attention still . Yeah. And I’m an introvert and I’m with this person who just wants me to pay attention to them.

Yeah, so I’m an introvert and now I’m with this person who wants my attention 24 7, like all the time. And it’s exhausting. It’s just really exhausting. But I also wasn’t getting out or seeing friends.

I didn’t really have friends to see. And so it was really isolating, but also you’re never alone. Yeah. Yeah. And I’m sleep deprived and my body’s been through all this trauma. So yeah, just all of those [00:32:00] things came together and , I was just mad. The thing is, I don’t think I realized because I wasn’t feeling down and blue and depressed, I was feeling angry and resentful a lot of the time.

So it wasn’t until about seven, eight months that I realized, okay, this isn’t normal, something’s wrong. And I talked to my family doctor, and she said, I agree, something’s going on here. What would you, how would you like to handle this? And so I didn’t go on medication, but I did end up speaking to a mental health therapist a few times, and that was so helpful because I was able to just, Let it all out without worrying about hurting her feelings or upsetting her because she cared about me because she, you know, she was an objective, not emotionally involved person.

Yeah. So I could just say anything on all of the things and just release it. And she just validated my feelings and gave [00:33:00] me some tips on maybe trying to get out of the house a little bit more , have some time to myself. And it didn’t like go away, but it helped a lot with managing it. Yeah.

that’s the other thing , you know, the fourth trimester is shockingly hard.

Mm-hmm. , I remember even to get a shower and I’d put the baby in the bassinet. Even that felt like a a tiny bit of release cuz you don’t have to hold this person. I remember the baby Bjorn, one of those carriers once my baby was big enough to go on the carrier, , I was walking around with my arms up in the air.

Like I’d won something . Cause I, cause I could, right? Cause I could put my arms in the air . It, it is really hard to become mm-hmm another per another person’s source of everything. It, which is like a step up from what pregnancy was, right. Pregnancy or just renting your body. But, but motherhood feels like you sold it.

Oh yeah. You don’t belong to yourself anymore. You don’t have the same freedoms and you won’t for a very long time, if [00:34:00] ever . Yeah. Cuz I mean, I know from watching my mom that even when they leave, you still worry about them. You still are available on the phone. twenty four seven.

Yes. Yeah,

just. You’re never, you’re never quite your own ever again. And I think I struggled, I struggled with it more because I also was like, this is not how I planned to feel . This is all I’ve ever wanted. And now that it’s here, I’m finding that I don’t actually want it as much as I thought I did.

And I feel terrible about that. And I’m mad, , why, why is it happening this way? So yeah, it was a big shock.  I’ve heard somewhere that the first baby , it’s like a bomb going off in the mother’s world. It just totally rearranges you, it rearranges your life. It’s not quite as big of a deal for other father.

And then the second baby, that’s when it hits the dad because now you’re. You’re each dealing with a [00:35:00] child all the time, so there’s no, one person can take the kid and the other person can do whatever anymore. It’s like one-on-one, then you have three and it’s like, forget , forget taking a break anymore sometimes.

But yeah, that’s how it felt. , I don’t even know who I am. I’m not the same person. Everything has changed. I’m just trying to , put the pieces back together of myself. Cause I don’t, it’s all just sort of exploded everywhere.

 But it sounds like you figure out how to do that before you decide to have a second because you do decide to have more kids, right?

Yes.

somewhat. Yes, we did. We kind of, we kind of got things somewhat figured out. Thankfully she, she was never a really terrible sleeper, so that helped. But also with each of our kids, we’ve also chosen to have them because we felt really strongly that there was a kid for us. I, I mean, after the first time, I don’t think I would’ve had any [00:36:00] more at all, if not for that feeling, because now I know how much work it is and how much it, you know, takes a toll on you physically.

It’s a lot of mental and emotional work. It’s not all cuddles and, it’s really exhausting. Each of my children, I felt really strongly that I needed to have them, or I wouldn’t have had more than one. Probably

 So talk to me a little bit about that, is it a spiritual thing or what does that mean?

For, for us, , I would say it’s a spiritual thing just because that’s sort of my background or our religious background, but for us it usually starts with me. I just feel very, very strongly , Hey, I’m waiting kind of feeling. And I’m not always happy about it, necessarily at first.

Sometimes it takes a little while for me to get on board, takes my husband even longer to get on board because he was like, holy cow, kids are so much work. This is exhausting. [00:37:00] But yeah, I don’t, it’s hard to describe. It’s just, it’s, it’s kind of a gut feeling in a way. Uhhuh, , it’s time, time for another one.

And then of course it took months. You know us to be ready. Yeah. And husband to be ready. Cuz we have to both be on board. I’m not just gonna keep having babies if he’s not also willing to have these babies. Cuz once they’re out, they’re equally his responsibility. So.

Yeah. Yeah. Good to get commitment up front for sure.

Mm-hmm. . And so skipping ahead again. What is your postpartum experience with your second one now that the birth is much closer to what you were imagining in the first instance?

It was definitely different. It was just as hard, just in different ways. So transitioning from one kid to two kids is another equally enormous transition.

It’s really difficult. I mean, you have this kid that you’ve been used to giving all of your focus to. All of your [00:38:00] attention, all of your affection goes into this one child. So there’s kind of, at first there’s some guilt, oh, they’ve been used to being the center of our universe and they’re, they’re no longer the center of the universe.

There’s this helpless little baby that needs a lot of time and attention and being held and all this stuff. And so there’s that adjustment, which once he’s, if, if your older one really loves the baby, it helps a lot. Cuz then that’s really, that’s even better. Seeing siblings just adore each other is even better than just having your one.

But yeah, there’s the whole, the sleep thing comes back. If, if you started to get more sleep, now you have a baby, you’re probably not getting much sleep anymore. And you have a two-year-old to deal with and she was a very two, two-year-old. . So it was definitely tricky to figure out [00:39:00] how to balance the needs of two children who often needed very mutually exclusive things at the same time.

So yeah, it was tricky. And when we were both home, it was a lot easier because you’re, you’re one-on-one, you can handle this, you’ve got this when it’s just you with the two kids, it’s, it’s really, it took a, it took a lot. So I think that my postpartum depression did come back, but not as severely as before.

And also I was more prepared for it this time. I was more aware of what I needed and of asking for what I needed. And so, yeah, it was, it was there for sure, but I was able to manage it much better because I was prepared this time. I was, I knew what to expect. I knew the warning signs. So yeah, I think it’s still,, my youngest is almost three and it’s [00:40:00] still kind of flares up in a way.

If I’m especially tired or especially stressed. I can feel the anger building and, and sitting there . But, the same thing, I, now I know what to do. I need, I need more sleep, I need a break. I need to talk to somebody. You know? So I kind of, kind of know how to handle it now.

So yeah, those are three big ones, right?

The loss of sleep is the quickest path to crazy, right? , I remember in those early days when you get three hours in a row and you’re like, I’m a new human three hours in a row, , good lord, I’m, you know,

I’m rich. Amazing .

Which just gives you a sense of how, how just dramatic the sleep deprivation is.

So that is a really hard thing to go back to for sure. And how much space is there between the second and the third?

I think about 21 months. Okay. I got pregnant a lot faster than we expected to the third time. Second time took about five months. Third time took no time at all. . And we were like, oh, [00:41:00] okay, well, whoops.

Yeah. Didn’t meet snack clothes together.

The that’s the flip side of the easy pregnancy, right. ,

oops. Wasn’t expecting. Well, I mean, I’m, I’m in my thirties, so I was fully expecting it to take longer each time. Yeah. Didn’t, so we’re like, what? All right. . That birth was an absolute dream. I had a midwife this time and I had him at home and I could rave about home birth with midwives all day long, it was amazing.

It was absolutely amazing. It was hard still, but it was amazing.

And so even though you had the good experience with the second one, why do you choose to have the third one at home?

I’d heard multiple relatives that had home births and just hearing really good things about midwives and how they’re much more relaxed about the whole thing than doctors send to me.

And just not being in a hospital, cuz we had to stay in the hospital for about 24 hours after my son [00:42:00] was born and we were fine, but we were just waiting for our pediatrician to come and say he was fine. Everyone could see he was fine and I was fine. , but we had to wait this whole day in a hospital and I didn’t wanna do that again.

It was hard, it was hard to be away from my oldest that long. , I wanted to get home to my first baby and I just didn’t, I didn’t wanna do that again. So we went with a midwife and it was the best. I wish we’d done it the first time. Honestly, it was amazing. It was the best birth experience.

 It’s so much more relaxed. You’re in your own space. The midwifes, , they’re not strapping you to monitors, they’re checking on you just as much, but you’re not strapped to stuff. It’s just, much more relaxed. And then afterwards you just go to sleep in your own bed while they tidy up and that’s all they come to you, you know?

It’s just really nice. So, and it was the fastest birth. [00:43:00] I think from start to finish, it was four and a half hours. Oh wow.

It was really quick. That’s like a long lunch.

Yeah, it was , it started early that morning. I was like, oh, I’m having real contractions and they’re regular. And then, four hours later I’m just about ready to push and I pushed for 10 minutes and there he was

Wow. Well, and I honestly think that a huge part of that is just, I was so much more relaxed. It’s easy to get tense in a hospital and that slows things down and it makes things harder. And I was just really, really relaxed and felt very safe and confident that everything’s gonna be fine. And, and if it wasn’t fine, the midwives knew what to do and how to deal with it.

So I just let go and there he was and he was one of those amazing. One in a million babies that sleeps really well. So that was a, that was amazing. . [00:44:00] That was, that was just cheer. I mean, it’s always just cheer luck. You never know. You never know what kind of sleeper you’re gonna get.

But yeah, he, he slept really well right from the very beginning. He nursed super well and quickly and not super often either. So, so it was just like, wow, freedom. It was really nice. And I felt like transitioning from two to three was not nearly as hard as transitioning from one to two. So, except for being outnumbered

Yeah, my guess is the outnumbered bit will be harder as that, as that continues. But it sounds like the progress from the first birth to the third birth is pretty amazing. Mm-hmm. , they’re almost diametric opposites, right? The first and the third.

Yeah, and I needed that. I needed to most likely end on a good note after that first experience and how hard it was and how it kind of affects, it does affect your relationship with your child.

Not necessarily negatively, but I tend to worry [00:45:00] more and be more protective of my oldest than I am of my voice because their, lives started in much more happy, relaxed, easy ways and we were able to bond immediately and things weren’t as difficult. Whereas with my, you know, with my first, it took us a few months to kind of get into our stride with each other and figure things out.

So,

yeah. That’s amazing. So it seems like you learned a lot on this, on this trip.

Yeah, I learned a lot about how it all works and how I work and how to , seek out what I need rather than just accepting whatever is offered to me, I guess.

The self-advocacy is a super important thing to come by. And I guess what’s interesting about your story to me in part is I am also an autoimmune person.

[00:46:00] Hmm. And even though I had some self-advocacy in that space, I’m not sure I took it with me to the birthing space.

I think I was worried about the effect of my Crohn’s disease on pregnancy and birth. And so I overly trusted the doctor more than I should have. I wasn’t asking enough questions and I wasn’t.

Doing my own research enough. You can definitely take that way too far as well. But there’s nothing wrong with asking questions and if your doctor doesn’t want you to ask questions, you should find another doctor. Yeah. You know, , just finding things out and going to where you need to go to get what you need is really important.

And I wish I had known that the first time , but I learned it and ended up having a really amazing birth experience at least once. [00:47:00] So ,

that’s good. Yeah. That sounds amazing. And it is a, it is a, I feel like it’s a a story of victory for you who did not want another C-section to have these other births that didn’t involve that at all.

Mm-hmm. . . It absolutely was. I was, I was terrified, , that that was gonna be it. Cuz I, I had met a few people who had had c-sections the first time who ended up just always having C-sections. And I didn’t wanna do that. I wanted to do this on my own and just basically proved to myself that I could not, not to the point of like endangering my baby ever.

I was always clear on, you know, if it becomes dangerous, absolutely do what you need to do, but if I could do it, I wanted to do it.

So. That’s awesome. That’s a very that’s a, that’s almost a made for TV movie . Because it has such a, it has such a perfect arc. , [00:48:00]

there you go.

Maybe I should write a book. I was gonna say congratulations on that.

That’s good news. So now your kids are, are they seven, seven.

Six, four and two.

So three under six is no small feet? No,

it’s . Birth spacing is a whole nother subject.

And does this mommy section look how you thought it would look?

What do you mean by that? You had ideas about what birth would look like and what you wanted. And it sounds like you grew up with the idea that you would be a mother. Yeah. It, it’s obviously hard even in that in all the years you spent not being a mother, thinking about being a mother.

No one ever imagines the tantrums or the dirty diapers or they won’t eat the food or all that stuff. But on the whole, does this experience kind of, is it what you were hoping for?

It’s [00:49:00] different than I. Was hoping for. So I was always , oh, I’m gonna be a stay-at-home mom. That’s gonna be my career, cuz that’s what my mom did. And so I quit school in the middle of a bachelor’s degree because I was pregnant and I was like, I can only focus on one thing at a time and that thing is gonna be my child and I probably shouldn’t have, it probably would’ve been better for my mental health to have had something else as well that was just mine.

And also just exercise for parts of my brain that feel like they just turn to mush after the baby. And so while I still wanna be home and available to my children, I also want to stretch myself and, build a career for myself in ways that don’t make my family sacrifice too much. , but just realizing that I have to, I need these things in order to be the mother I want to be.

Because if I just put myself completely on hold, I get resentful, I get bored out of my mind. [00:50:00] It’s a lot more boring than I thought it would be. Yeah. It can be mind numbingly boring to be home with kids all day. And you, you find yourself scrolling through Facebook just because you’re like, somebody rescued me.

I need something . I need something interesting to look at or read or just something that’s not this. So I’m definitely not the exact kind of mother that I thought I would be. It’s definitely a lot different than I expected. I think. Some days I do really well and some days I really don’t. But I’m also learning that that’s just part of it and you do the best that you can.

And so if you’re having a day when you’re not doing well then you need to figure out what you need to be able to do better. Because, you know, I don’t lose my temper with my kids because I just can’t be bothered to control my temper. . Yeah, yeah, yeah. I lose my temper with my kids because I am not able to do better in that moment, for whatever reason.

So I have to [00:51:00] figure out what do I need? Do I need a nap? Do I need to take a break? Do I need to call my mom and Vince? So whatever it is I need to do so that I can come back and be the calm mom that they need. And also, I’ve just learned to apologize a lot, , because I can’t, I, I’m not, I can’t be perfect all the time.

I can’t be calm all the time. I, I don’t know how I’m trying to figure it out, but I don’t know how. And so I just have learned to. Take responsibility and tell them I’m sorry, and try to do better and Yeah. No, and I guess the answer is no. It does not look the way I thought it was going to at all. In some ways it’s better because your actual real kids are so much more interesting than imaginary kids.

Yeah. Also, it sounds like as hard as it is, that’s true that any job, any job you have some days are great. Some days are not so great. Some days you [00:52:00] lose your temper. Some days you can’t do it. But it sounds like you are honest and human with them, which is so much more than , , people give to a lot of jobs.

Right. That seems to me unbelievably valuable for your kids to see, people make mistakes, people get angry, and this is how you handle it when that happens. Because guess what? That’s gonna happen. I hope so. ,

that’s the hope, right? That that’s what they take from it, rather than, oh man, mom’s always angry.

I’m not always angry. Sometimes it feels that way, but I’m not . , I mean, it, it happens to them all the time too, right? They fight and they get upset and they, they just try to figure out, do you need a break? Are you hungry, ? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We try to figure out why, why is this happening and what can we do about it?

And we need to apologize when we’ve hurt somebody or yelled at them, or whatever it is. So, yeah, I don’t think, I, I think my husband has had a similar, I don’t think being a dad [00:53:00] is at all the way he thought it was gonna be either. But we’re figuring out how, how to do what We have the reality . Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Parenting for us, because it’s different for everyone, right? Just dealing with it as it comes and whatever happens, we figure it out.

That, that sounds like the messy, beautiful project of family. Right? That’s definitely messy for sharing . Yeah. That, that’s awesome. Thank you so much for sharing your story.

I totally appreciate it.

Oh, thank you.