Today’s guest had to reexamine her expectations at various points in the process of growing her family. She enjoyed a relatively straightforward pregnancy, but had real fears of what the birth would be like. Importantly, both births were totally successful, but they didn’t necessarily progress the way she imagined they would. The real challenge for her came after the birth: in the fourth trimester. The monumental change of going from being a part of a couple, just two adults, to caring for a newborn was a pretty staggering life change, and the first time around it came with postpartum anxiety. Ultimately she used her experiences to shape her new career path: she’s become a postpartum coach, using all her hard earned lessons to help other women navigate this tricky time.
To find Laura online, you can check her postpartum work out at:
https://www.facebook.com/Motherhood-Mentoring-100434231871954
Preeclampsia diagnosis
Audio Transcript
Paulette: Hi Welcome to War Stories from the womb. I’m your host Paulette kamenecka. I’m an economist and a writer and the mother of two girls. I came to pregnancy with my own set of expectations about how things might go, and had to abandon them very early in the process, when I had a hard time getting pregnant.
Today’s guest also had to reexamine her expectations, but much later in the process. She enjoyed a relatively straightforward pregnancy. She brought fears of what the birth would be like to the experience, and while, in the end, it went well, the births didn’t necessarily progress the way she imagined they would. The real challenge for her came after the birth: in the fourth trimester. The monumental change of going from being a part of a couple, just two adults, to caring for a newborn was a pretty staggering life change, and the first time around it came with postpartum anxiety. Ultimately she used her experiences to shape her new career path: she’s become a postpartum coach, using all her hard earned lessons to help other women navigate this tricky time.
Let’s get to her inspiring story.
P: Hi, thanks so much for coming on the show, can you introduce yourself and tell us where you’re from.
Laura: Yeah, I’m Laura Spencer, I’m from coming Georgia just north of Atlanta.
P: Oh wow.
L: Yeah.
P: So Laura, tell us a little bit about yourself. Do you have siblings.
L: I do, yes I have a younger sister she’s four years younger than me, and we have been super close. Ever since she was born, when she was younger, I was like, a little mommy, and as we have become adults, she is just my go to person for every thing, like she and I are just on the same wavelenght our souls, we’re just connected
P: that’s awesome
L: you know, it really is, because I know that a lot of people don’t have that kind of relationship with their sibling. And so I feel very very blessed and thankful to be able to call her my absolute best friend.
P: That’s lovely.
So let’s talk about pregnancy. Before you ever got pregnant. What did you think it would be like,
L: oh gosh, I think I thought it was weird and this is so funny that I’m having this conversation with you today, because one of our really good family friends we just met up with them yesterday, and their daughter is 20 and she’s getting married in July. You know, I just had my second son in February, and so she’s like kind of scared of babies. And she’s like, I’m gonna adopt a 10 year old. And I was like, I remember saying that when I was about your age too, because it is part of our culture, but it’s also not, it’s kind of like separate and silent from our culture is just kind of like, oh, let’s admire the pregnant lady, but from afar, you know, and not like actually learn about the experiences from young on, to be able to really be prepared for what’s to come. So I would say I was similar to her. That’s why I shared that story, you know, I don’t know that I want to have to go through and it wasn’t even really the pregnancy part is more like the birth part.
P: Yeah,
L: imagining a human child coming out of your vagina, that’s kind of scary when you’ve never been around it before you’ve never actually seen someone do it before except for what’s in mainstream media, which is complete BS. So
P: well, I think that’s where all of us get that picture right it’s like it is, you’re pregnant and it’s easy and you, you know, go to the hospital and 10 minutes later you have a baby.
L: Right. Yes, exactly. And then all is well, and your body, you know, goes back to normal.
P: Yeah,
L: I’m using air quote area, like the next week. Yeah. And so when you have a baby and look at your body the next day and you look like you’re still five months pregnant.
P: Yeah,
L: we’re like, um, wait a second. The baby’s out. Pregnancy wise, I wasn’t really sure what to expect but I can definitely tell you I was terrified of birth.
P: Yeah, that seems that seems legit. So did you get pregnant easily
L: pretty easily. Yeah, my, my husband I was our first, we tried for a couple months, I remember using ovulation tests, and that was just awful. I hated it because it was so stressful. Some people love it for me, it was, it just added an extra layer of stress to it. I spoke to my doctor about it and she’s like, just do every other day. Like when you know that you’re ovulating just do it every other day. And that was, that’s how we ended up getting pregnant, so I think we tried for total like three months, so month three egg. Yeah, it was my first yeah I mean, for me it seemed like, Oh we were trying but then I know so many people who struggle with infertility and take years to get pregnant and, gosh, the mental game of just a couple months I can’t, you know, I really feel for those people who are struggling with infertility,
P: well but also this is another good point right that images that you will get pregnant the first time you try.
L: Exactly, yes, you’re right. I feel like it often happens to the people who are like, not again. Someone with my second son, my husband and I, we just got pregnant, like, we’re really trying. I was just like, Um Hey, pregnant. And I feel like it happens when you least expect it sometimes.
P: Yeah. So how was that first pregnancy
L: first trimester, was tough with my first, you know, had some morning sickness and more like all day, nausea, gagging and dry heaving is more like what I had.
P: Yeah, That’s hard, what so what do you have any like tricks to kind of live with it or
L: I remember one of my, one of my husband’s friends she recommended a certain type of ginger ale. It’s called Red Rock, I think it’s like really potent ginger ale and then there’s little ginger candies called Gin-gins ones love those. And then the preggie pops those worked pretty well too, for me, and then I also did for a couple weeks I think you can do a combination of vitamin B six and unisom. This is not. Yes, this is do not listen to this and just go ahead and do it please ask your doctor about this first. But yeah, you can do a combo of vitamin B six in unisom, and take that before bed and then that seemed to help me for a little while, too, but yeah the nausea, the smells like smells really got to me.
P: Does that abate after the first trimester.
L: Yes, for me it did. Yeah, and then second trimester was great. Most of third trimester was great to till I got towards the very end and then it just I mean, it just gets uncomfortable, you know.
P: So take us to the day of the birth like how do you know, today’s the day and did you make it to 40 weeks and,
L: yeah, so I knew that the day was the day because I had to be induced by blood pressure started spiking, I went in for a checkup around 38 weeks, and my blood pressure had been high, and that was kind of a consistent trend that had been going on for the past week, two weeks and so they sent me over to hospital.
P: did you have the high blood pressure before you’re pregnant or no just at the end of pregnancy
L: just the end of my pregnancy. Yep, it started probably about week 37 I don’t know exactly what caused it, but I do know that I was working as a teacher at the time and I was also holding the leadership position, the time in which I had my baby with. I had him in March and so it’s a pretty stressful time in the school year. And so, you know, I was always rushing to appointments and I was always just not super stressed but definitely had a higher level of stress and so that could have played a part in it.
P: Could you feel the high blood pressure or no, you just got to the clinic and they told you.
L: No, it didn’t feel like anything. Yeah. And, yeah, like my body didn’t feel any, any different. So it was it was a little bit surprising I think and that’s it kind of messed with me a little bit I guess because I didn’t feel it so like is this really happening, so I’ve gone to the hospital for some testing and ended up getting my blood pressure down they sent me home for the weekend. went for a follow up appointment the next Monday and it was so high. And so that’s when the doctor was like I think we need to go ahead and move forward with induction, and by that time I was 38 weeks and five days,
P: and had you imagine like a lot of Earth with, you know, people with trumpets…
L: good question, I hadn’t, I did not plan a water birth for my first because the hospital that I was planning to birth that did not allow that. I was planning on, you know, being able to labor at home and be kind of like in my own element and honestly I think at that point like that was a Monday, I had to go in that evening for induction, I literally packed my hospital bag that day so like I was in denial that I was going to need to be induced I was in denial that like, I was about to have a baby. So that’s kind of how I went into having a baby and so then it ended up kind of rocking my world, but as far as, you know what I pictured, I can’t say that I necessarily like had an exact idea of birth. I went into it knowing, I wanted to do my absolute best to not have an epidural, I just did not want it. my husband knew I didn’t want it. And I also really wanted to not have a cesarean birth, my mom had an emergency so Syrian with me that just kind of left some scars with me.
P: yeah. Well that all sounds scary and it’s like not according to your plan and, and, yeah, as you say, which I think is totally normal and most of us grow up with like you’re afraid of the birth. I remember halfway through my pregnancy thinking like this baby is too big to get out it’s intended escape room, Like I don’t know how this is gonna work, so it makes sense to have all those feelings and then, because you’re not having contractions and, you know laboring at home for 12 hours like you don’t really get the mental space to prepare for, like, Okay, what’s next. So if you’re with you. This is stressful.
L: Yeah and then the whole induction process to was it Luckily, my husband was there with me for the whole time and, and he was distracting you know like, so it wasn’t like we were sitting there waiting, but and I think that they did kind of forewarn me that it could take a little while, and it did you know I was induced on a Monday night and didn’t have my son until Wednesday afternoon. So I think that that’s something too that people don’t necessarily aren’t necessarily prepared for is that induction. If you’re not really I think I was maybe a centimeter dilated. So I had a good little ways to go.
P: So, when they put you on was really put you on Pitocin and they give you some help in the cervix and all that,
L: they did so when I went in that first night they, they did serve Adele, which is a cervix softener. And the next day they, they put me on Pitocin for almost the entire day, and nothing really progressed I honestly don’t really remember that day because it wasn’t super painful, and then they did another cervadil that night, and then the following morning they put me on Pitocin again, and, and then that that did it kicked in, to active labor,
P: and What was that like, would it feel like
L: I remember They had me on the fetal monitors and I was in bed and my water broke and I was like, pretty sure my water just broke something funny happened I feel like I just felt like a little bubble burst, almost. So they’re like, Oh, yep, your water broke and then after that, it was like, go time. And things really, really, they went pretty fast and furious, and luckily I had the midwife on call who really was familiar with my birth plan. Well, I didn’t really have a birth plan but just like some of my, my really deepest desires in preparing I did know how much being in water can help. And so they had tubs, they don’t allow water birth but they have tubs and showers and so I was like, I want to be in the water and so she that and that’s not necessarily something that often happens with when you’re on Pitocin and you’ve got an IV and, you know, all those things, but she was willing to let me do it. And so I was very thankful for that. So I was in the tub for a little while laboring and that was helpful, and then man once transition got there I was like, who I don’t know about this.
P: Yeah. So did you get an epidural or how did that, did you avoid the C section.
L: Yes I did, avoid the C section, I got out of the tub and things things were things were tough, and I didn’t really at that point is when I felt, probably most unprepared for what was what was happening. And looking back on it, I’m like, Man, that probably would have been the point of having a doula to help me with positioning because I got out of the tub and I was, you know starting to get exhausted. And so I’m like, I just want to lay down, but like laying down is literally the worst thing you can do especially when you’re at that the end of active labor you’re transitioning,
P: is it the worst thing you can do because it’s uncomfortable or because it will stop labor,
L: just because it’s probably most like the most uncomfortable position you can be in. Yeah, yeah, I did labor in the bed for a while, my midwife, did some amazing counter pressure on my legs which I was after she left I was like hubby, get on it, like, this is your job now. And at that point too, I was like alright let’s, we can ask my mom to come in because I, We had set a boundary with her and said, you know, we just want to be just the two of us, if we asked you to come in, then you can come in.
So at that point we asked her to come in, and I think it was just like, too intense, she was just like, just get the epidural just do it just get, you know, make it go away kind of thing. And so I opted to get a dose of fentanyl. And honestly, they were like alright we’re giving it to you, and five minutes later I was like, Are you, are you sure. Can I have another one, because I don’t think that works. So that was a little bit disappointing, but I didn’t really let it get to me and then finally I was, I asked for an epidural, and so they started prepping me for an epidural I got some IV fluids, and the anesthesiologist walked in, and he’s like, All right, Go time, and they had, how, like how do we get off the bed switch positions kind of stand up to get prepped for it. And as soon as I got off the bed I felt the baby just moved down my birth canal and then, like I started feeling urges to push, and I just looked at the nurse and I was like, you know, I’m kind of making grunting noises and she’s like, are you pushing. I was like, yeah, and she’s like stop pushing I’m like I can’t but my body is like doing it, you know. And so, you know, I just remember like I was hunched over my husband completely naked, and the anesthesiologist who walked in I remember just like looking up at him probably like with a deer in headlights like there’s no way that I can sit back down on this table for you to do this, and sit still for you right now. And so, the nurse looked at me because she saw my face and she’s like, Do you still want an epidural and I was like, nope. She’s like, What do you want and I was like, I want the midwife to come in here and check me because it’s time. And so she did, she came in she checked me it was 10 centimeters like let’s go. So, yeah, my son was born without an epidural.
P: Wow. And
L: yeah,
P: did you push for a while or
L: he was pretty close, I think I pushed for maybe like 30 or 45 minutes. Looking back after I’ve done more research. So with all this my, my first birth and postpartum experience it’s led me to my new career path, which is postpartum coach and childbirth educator
P: cool
L: and so through all of this education that I have continued through all this knowledge that I’ve continued to require realize that the way in which I pushed him was probably not the most productive way of doing it because I can remember just my face and my eyes feeling really swollen and so I ended up doing what’s called Purple pushing that was, that was kind of tough it’s very strenuous, because you have people yelling at you to push, instead of just like, listen to your body and when you feel the urge to push then push which is, you know, a little bit more helpful….you don’t burst blood vessels in your eyes when, when you do that instead. This is something else that I have learned and what I like to communicate to my prenatal clients is that there’s so much that you can know and you’re like, you’re not going to be able to know it all and so at some point, you have to be okay with not knowing, and be okay with trusting yourself to make the best decision for you in the moment.
For me, the best decision was listening to my midwife, pushing the way that I did my son came out, I went with it, right. So, sometimes when we then look back on it, we’re like, oh, I don’t know how I feel about it and so it’s that, you know, processing it and saying maybe I could do something differently next time, but knowing that you did your best, and knowing to just offer yourself compassion and love in that moment for, for doing your best with with what you had.
P; Yeah, So that sounds ultimately successful.
L; Yeah
P: blood pressure comes down after you leave the hospital.
L: Oh, that’s a great question. No, it did not. In fact, it stayed elevated for a couple of weeks, actually, and again going back to your other question about if I felt different. I really didn’t, and you know I would get blood pressure readings that were like, 170 over 110. And, you know like crazy high blood pressure, but I wasn’t feeling any sort of symptoms along with it,
P: did they ever call it preeclampsia or it was just hypertension or were they,
L: it was really it was just hypertension because I never had, like, the proteins that went along with preeclampsia.
P: I just want to quickly note here that the criterion to diagnose preeclampsia, or there’s a moving target. As scientists and doctors learn more about the condition, they have changed the ways in which it’s identified so it used to be that the diagnosis was based on high blood pressure and protein in the urine, but now you can get that preeclampsia diagnosis without the protein in the urine component, if other things show up in the bloodwork or if you have a headache or a pain in your abdomen on the right side. So just keep an eye out for that.
L; But I know that that was why they were really encouraging the induction, because you know I can remember sitting in the doctor’s office and he’s like, it is ultimately your decision, but I would highly recommend going ahead with induction because you’re just going to get sicker, like I remember him saying that. And to me, again because I hadn’t felt any symptoms with it. I was like well, I mean I don’t feel sick right now so that that was a tough thing to also reconcile I’m saying how sick, can i get how sick Am I willing to get to, to avoid induction, you know what I mean. And so that was something to that after, after the whole experience that I had to go back and reconcile because I’m like, you know, maybe I could have gone a couple more days and I would have gone into labor naturally. You know, I have no idea, and I won’t ever know, and but again, that’s just something that you have to say, You know what I made the best decision for with what I had
P: if you do any research about preeclampsia. Oh, you absolutely made the right choice because you want to avoid that at all costs so
L; well and yeah, I know.
P: So that, kudos to you for making that hard choice because I think there is a disconnect when you can’t feel it, to say like, yeah, what do you got, what exactly is going on here because, in part because of pregnancy you feel so much right yeah, and yes, a little kick and move and so, so, but he didn’t give you like blood pressure medication it just went down on its own.
L: No, it did okay, yes. Yeah, so I, I went in for a checkup, about a week or so after having him. And because like it was still elevated, but it wasn’t high enough for them to say, we need to put you on blood pressure medication they really just keep monitoring it and if it goes back up, then we might need to consider medication, but it didn’t end up doing that and it stayed down and
P: good okay good, so that’s being managed and then, new, new baby comes home and how baby comes home, how’s that.
L: Oh. Can I curse. Okay. Can I curse?
P: yes you can
L: It was just a complete mindfuck, and just, I tell people that I felt like I got hit by bus. And I think that that was probably partially the sleep deprivation. Yeah, but, like, having going from simply taking care of yourself and nurturing your marriage to having a tiny fully dependent, human, leaving you 24-7 and having your world changed from revolving solely around you to revolving around keeping this infant child alive. It was a lot.
P: Yeah, it’s a dramatic change right it’s a
L: completely dramatic and nothing can prepare you for it. Again, this is something that is inspired me to become a postpartum coach because while nothing can prepare you for it. the way that our society is now set up is completely not supportive of new moms, especially in that fourth trimester, we are left alone. There’s the saying that takes a village to raise a child. Literally, it does because in those first three months, you need so much outside support, but the way that we now live separately from each other, it really, it doesn’t warrant that luckily my mom is very involved, and so she did stay with us for about a week after we had the baby, but once she went back then it was just me and my husband for a week, and he had only had off for two weeks and so I was left alone with a two week old.
P: Yeah,
L: and it was my first and I was like, it was insane, and then after that, you know, breastfeeding was hard, I watched one breastfeeding video of like how to get the baby to latch. Before I had him, and I knew I needed help, but I was in such a, I was in such a mental state that like literally just trying to figure out who to ask help from was overwhelming.
P: Yeah. that’s fair
L:. So I now with new moms, I’m like, go ahead and research lactation consultants in your area, know who they are, so that way you know like you have someone to reach out to my son had issues with latch and also again with the dramatic change. I was like, I don’t want to say I was unwilling but it was just like, oh my god you want to eat again, like, Can I sleep, you know, and so I would try and stretch it out as long as I could just try and like, get some extra sleep you know like, even another 15 minutes. And so I think that by the time that I would end up start feeding him, he would just be angry, and then he had already had issues latching and then it was extra hard, so we were using a nipple shield by like week four or five, I was exclusively pumping because he would just not even latch at all.
We got back to it and we ended up nursing for 15 months, but I really had to fight through it and sometimes I look back on that and I’m like, did I sacrifice my mental health, for, for nursing.
P: Yeah,
L: because I probably did the weirdest thing happened to me around, probably week three, or four, I started getting kind of like a rash on my thighs. and I just thought maybe it was from like having the Boppy constantly on me that maybe it was like heat rash or something, and it spread down my legs like kind of the inside of my legs like spread up on my stomach around my stretch marks. And then around my, my boobs, and I’m like, Why in the world and it was so itchy. And so I did some research and the closest thing that it that it came to was the PUPPS rash, so I don’t know if you’ve heard of,
P: Np, what’s that,
L: basically it’s a rash that usually happens to pregnant women in their third trimester if they’re going to get it. And so because it’s most common during pregnancy. You know, I called my doctor about it I’m like I think that this is what it is, and they’re like, No, that’s not it. And like, I didn’t even go in I just call it was like I have this rash and I’m like, oh you know it’s just hormones.
It ended up going away, but like, having to deal with sitting there holding your kid, while like your boob itches your stomach issues your leg itches, and feeding him, and then, like, trying to wrap your mind round like actually taking care of yourself, and taking care of baby, it was just like one more thing to have to take care of myself after going through weeks of changing my own diapers along with my, my child’s diapers,
P: yeah, yeah, that sounds like, that sounds like too much, but it sounds like it was a lot.
L: It was a lot.
P: I remember feeling like it was a lot to have to feed myself, I was like, How is this possible, why do I
L: can you please just be okay with me laying you down for five minutes so I can eat too. Yeah,
P: yeah, well so it sounds like you have another, you guys eased into something more manageable.
L: I probably went back to work. I ended up developing postpartum anxiety. So that took months to really, I identify and come to terms with, and then get help for, and by that time it had been, you know, kind of stewing in our marriage and so we really did have a really tough time my son’s first year, both of us, you know, kind of individually and then together as a married unit, that’s just one more thing that has inspired me to, to help women through that time because I think it’s something else you, again, going back to mainstream media you see women going to the hospital, have a baby look deeply into their husband’s eyes, you know, it’s this magical moment. We’re going to be this beautiful family, and then you flash forward a couple months and it’s like everything is beautiful and lovely and. And that’s not how things are.
P: Does it just make you laugh to hear. We’re gonna have a baby to save the marriage.
L: Oh god.
P: Oh, yeah, hard to imagine how that works right.
L: Yeah, and I’ve done again because I take some of this, you know, I take my full experience to what I offered to to the women that I work with, and one thing that I’ve learned through my research is that one in five couples will separate in the first year of baby’s life.
P: Yeah, it’s hard. It’s really hard. Yeah,
L: which is really interesting because one in five women suffer from postpartum depression, or a postpartum mood disorder, and honestly that statistic is probably higher those are women who actually end up reporting it, I see a bit
P: it’s probably more common. Yeah,
L: for sure because again we’re, we, we tend to hold those kinds of things in questioning whether or not we’re normal or if we admit it. Does that mean that I’m a bad mom and all of those things all those thoughts swirl around in our head and end up making that whole experience just even crazier.
P: I’ve talked to so many people who say, I didn’t realize I have postpartum depression or anxiety either until the second birth, or until many years later and I wonder if they have in their mind, this image that this should be fabulous and I should be loving every minute. So, it’s just me, right, which is not the case.
L: Okay. And I think too, you know I was just thinking about this the other day so I’m so glad that you said that, you know, my son had some latching issues right like we had some, some breastfeeding issues, but like, he wasn’t colicky, he was a happy baby. He was a pretty easy baby. Things were pretty good. You know, we’re financially stable, and I think that for a lot of women it’s that I should be grateful, I should feel this way, I should I should I should, and we should all over ourselves, and end up just spiraling, because we’re trying to convince ourselves to be better be happier be whatever. And we just can’t.
P: Yeah,
L: and we need support, but then again we’re like well I should be able to do this, I had a baby, I decided to have a baby. I should be able to do this. And the reality is that, well, yes, you absolutely can. You have the power to do it, but gosh there’s so much power and asking for help.
P: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that’s a great point and a really useful thing to hear because I think postpartum depression is so common and anxiety is so common that it would make sense to have a much better developed network kind of around you.
L: Yeah, no period.
P: Yeah, well I’m glad you guys made it through that point and then was it hard to decide to have another or that point you were saying,
L: we, we didn’t know I mean we knew that we wanted at least two. Yeah, but when the day we found out we were pregnant with my second, we literally looked at each other and we were both like, we probably could have waited another year like we really we weren’t ready to start planning on it, and you know at that point was you it was this past June, that we found out we probably found out on father’s day that we were pregnant, you know, so we’re still living in a COVID world, and at that point too I had made the decision to not go back to my teaching job. This upcoming school year. And so there were a lot of outside transitions happening, you know things happening that we really wanted to get a little bit more accustomed to, before bringing a new baby in but he was like nope I’m, I’m coming, I’m making an entrance, we just ended up having to make it work.
P: So what was that pregnancy easier did you go through the exact same kind of route of the first one, or was it unique.
L: No, I’d say honestly it was maybe even a little bit easier, just because I knew what to expect.
P: Yeah.
L: The only thing that was different and a little bit more difficult was that I was exhausted, especially my first trimester that the exhaustion really hit me. And I would just sleep. And my husband was fabulous and he has taken our toddler under his wing and luckily he is such a daddy’s boy, so he doesn’t mind it at all, sometimes doesn’t even notice that mommy isn’t around because he’s like all about Daddy, the cooler. I guess cooler thing about being pregnant. The second time around was involving my toddler in it. And so like when my belly really started showing we would talked to him a lot about his brother, you know there’s baby in there there’s brother, and this is that he’s developing his language as well. And since he’s repeating us and we decided on a name because we ended up doing a gender reveal with this, this pregnancy, and so we, we talked to him a lot about his brother so as soon as his brother came, he knew exactly who he was, and there were no question that it was really really lovely and then credible thing was that like, he literally came out of my belly and then is now an actual baby. And my toddler didn’t question it at all. I was like, Yep, this is Sutton. Here he is. So that was really really cool.
P: How was your blood pressure for the second one,
L: do we were really fine, I didn’t have to be induced I ended up going into labor naturally which was different, you know, and I had I had expectations, this is the hard thing about birthing for a second time, is that, with the first time you have. You have no idea what to expect. The second time you have an experience to relate it to, but really you shouldn’t because every experience is unique.
P: Yeah,
L: but it’s really hard and I was in my head, almost the entire time just trying to almost like set a timeline for myself of like, okay, like basically when is this going to be over. So I ended up laboring at home for almost 24 hours, and then finally I was just like, we have to go into the hospital because I know that we have to be there. And I think that that kind of mental block, honestly was kind of stalling my labor a little bit, so
P: do they do they take you when you came. I found
L: Yes, yes, they did were in triage for a couple hours because I had to have a COVID test, so that was obviously different as well. You know the whole experience of like going to the hospital in labor like that, that was all first time experience for me, we hadn’t done that with my first and again I think that there was an element of fear there for me. Maybe not fear but just like anxiety is like, again the unknown.
P: So I had a similar to you and that my first one was a planned C section because I had all issues, and the second one I had planned another C section but she came early. And I remember going to the hospital thinking, is this how people do it This is nuts. Yeah, the baby decides and all of a sudden, like,
L: yeah, yeah,
P: that felt sort of crazy to me but that’s how everyone does it right.
L: Yeah, it is how we all do it, and you know what is really crazy so I was lucky in that I was able to take a couple weeks off around my due date and so I was just home, but so many women in our country don’t and I feel like that is a fear of like, am I gonna go into labor at work. Yep. Yeah and I have friends who live outside the US, and they’re like, you know, like, around 36/37 weeks, we start getting our maternity leave and then they have maternity leave for at least three months, if not six, yeah, it’s just like, oh so you don’t even have to worry about your fear of going into labor at work unless your baby’s like premature, right, you know, right. Anyway, yeah, this one, my son decided to come at 40 Almost 41 weeks. So that was different. I, you know carried him for almost two weeks longer than my first, and then again like the mental waiting game or just like is today going to be the day.
P: Yeah,
L: it’s pretty tiring, but, you know, so once we got to the hospital, things did progress a little bit more, and I did plan for a water birth with this child we’ve switched hospitals to a hospital that allows them, but I had to wait for a little while to get into the pool. Before I had actually, you know dilated enough, and because of his position I ended up having more back labor with him and so it was, it was tough. It was a hard labor, the harder part was until I have gotten to like transition, like when you get into transition and you’re doing it without drugs. You just go to this complete other world, really like you have no idea what’s going on around you, you, you know, like when you’re in active labor you’re having those really hard contractions in between those contractions and even during those contractions, you’re still kind of aware of what’s going on around you. Like I remember shushing, the nurse that was in there with us because I’m like, laying on the bed because I had to get fetal monitoring so with this time around to you I didn’t, I wasn’t hooked up to an IV, I can freely move as much as I want to.
This nurse just like talked every time she came in about something she had a story to tell and I’m sitting there like writhing on the bed, and I just put, like, just shut up, please like, Have some respect for the woman in here in pain, and shut up. That was interesting as well that felt really good to just like get that out, you know the other thing too, I just went through like a whole range of emotions with, with this one, I did have a doula you know, obviously I’m surrounded by nurses and my midwife, but they’re all focused on my physical health and recovery. Right, I need someone there that’s specifically there for my comfort for my emotional well being,
once we finally got into our laboring room after triage, I just wanted to get in the shower, but the water in our hospital room wouldn’t get hot. And so, she, she got it warm enough for me and then we get into the bathroom and I get in the shower, and there’s just this draft of air and so I can literally remember just standing in the shower just shivering and contracting, and it was just so disappointing and so she got me out. She wrapped me in like a warm sheet. And I just looked at her, I was like, I think I need to cry and she’s like, just let it out and I just like wailed I mean I just wailed, and that was not something I did my first is not something that I antcipated and I’m like why am I having this kind of emotional release you know like I’m not upset about having a baby, now looking at is like, just like that disappointment in the moment and also just like when is it going to be over like I’m just so I’m ready. And I asked for an epidural again with this one and it’s ended up, he, he was ready to come again. And so didn’t end up having an epidural, again, and I didn’t have a waterbirth either I did end up. I labored in the birth pool for probably three or four hours, and again by that point, once I got into the tub. I just completely zoned out, and the, my favorite thing that I had this birth as well, was an iMac, I wore an iMac almost the entire time once we got into our burger and just keep it completely dark, so that way I was not distracted with what was going on, and that was lovely.
P: that’s a good idea. Did it take a lot of pushing with this one, or he was also no.
L: I kind of did, but I also kind of listened to my body a little bit more. And what’s really funny is I looked at my doula. I was about nine and a half centimeters, and the midwife had checked me and she’s like, I think you’re actually the 10. She’s actually talking to my husband, my Doula at this point because, again, I was just completely like out of it, like, let’s just get the baby out, however we can.
I had an inflamed cervical lip. That was kind of preventing a little bit of the dilation, or just kind of the general space in my cervix and I think because of that interior lip like my midwife was really really involved with kind of helping the baby out like her fingers and her hands were like all in there, kind of like stretching to make sure that the baby was coming out,
I think I pushed for like 15 minutes with him, he came out pretty, pretty quickly but his shoulder did get stuck a little bit and so again, with the positioning, that was probably the best position for the midwives to be able to kind of work with that he came out he was, he was good. We were good, I tore a lot less with him and go had to have just a couple little stitches with him and with my first I did have a decent tear I had like a second degree tear so that contributed to my recovery as well with my first, and with my second, you just kind of have that experience, and I think sometimes with our with our first we tend to push ourselves a little bit more because we haven’t been through it with my second I was like I’m going to do everything possible to stay in bed as much as I can. And so I really just set up, you know, for sleep space for him. I set up a little diaper caddy on my nightstand, and I, and I told my husband like my goal is to stay in bed as much as possible, and I’m going to need some help with other things.
P: Yeah, that sounds like a lot was learned between one and two.
L: Definitely, definitely.
P: And the fourth trimester, breastfeeding and all that was easier with the second one.
L: Yes, it has definitely been easier. Initially, it was about the same, but I knew this time around so just go ahead and get some help. So we ended up seeing a lactation consultant with him, I think he was only like a week and a half old. When we ended up going because I could tell if he was having some trouble with this latch,
I’ve learned this time around of how to almost put myself first, it sounds a little bit selfish but really it’s not I’ve learned that if I want to be my best for my boys and for my husband, I need to make sure that I’m taking care of myself too. And so that is something that I’m holding myself to more this time around as well.
P: Yeah, that sounds like a super important thing to do, especially in a, in a culture that doesn’t do it for you, right like someone that someone has to be taken care of for you. So what is your older one into now.
L: Everything He just turned to on March 13 And he loves animals, my mom watches him every Friday they have bird feeders out in their backyard, and so he’s been obsessed with birds and birdhouses. Whenever he would build something with blocks, I’d say what what did you make big birdhouse. Okay, but everything was a big birdhouse,
P: two, is a super fun age right there’s so much going on.
L: Yes. And the other thing that has been super funny he’s totally into his brother, I mean, he is not ignoring him, There hasn’t been like, Please take him back. My youngest is seven weeks old, having my husband holding the baby with the toddler around his immediate response is getting upset, you know, he’s kind of feeling jealous, like, and holy even still say now he’s like my Daddy. And I’ll say Sutton’s daddy too, and he started repeating that twos like setting study to like, you know weekend, or he would see my husband holding him and immediately say, Mommy hold him. Mommy hold him like that he please know like this is not your baby It’s mommy’s baby.
P: If you could give advice to your younger self, about this process. What do you think you would tell her.
L: Oh gosh, something that I’ve learned about myself is that I honestly probably struggled with anxiety before having a child and I just didn’t really realize it I thought it was just the way that people operate. I have very perfectionistic tendencies, I came into motherhood with this expectations, hearing the phrase, just do your best, right, just do your best to me when I hear that I interpret that as do it perfectly, like that’s just the way that my brain registers that there is no. Do your best and leave some margin for error. It’s like your best should be perfection. So, if I could go back and I’m still working on this, but this is something that I’ve definitely identified in myself that I hadn’t before that I ended up bringing into my motherhood experience that I think ultimately really led to my postpartum anxiety I was trying to do everything the best that I could and again pushing myself to do it perfectly pushing myself do better, you know, it could be better, I’m not doing a good enough I’m failing, you know, all these things and all these thoughts that were screaming in my head and so my advice to my younger self would be to go ahead and heal from that perfectionism.
P: Yeah, that’s a hard thing to carry.
L: Yeah, yeah
P: that’s good advice. you mentioned that you do postpartum clients services so how can people find you for that.
L: Sure, yeah. Right now you can find me on Facebook, I have a Facebook page, motherhood mentoring, and I also have a Facebook group called motherhood mentoring, you can find me on Instagram at motherhood mentoring but I’m definitely more active on Facebook right now. I helped my clients kind of overcome their overwhelm and anxiety of having to do things the right way, you know, kind of overcoming that perfectionism of motherhood.
P: that sounds awesome. Thank you for sharing your story today.
L: Thank you for giving me the space to do so.
P: Thanks again to Laura for sharing her story. I think her experience highlights the fact that it’s helpful to walk into this transformative period with limited expectations–so much change is afoot and we have real limits on the degree to which we can control any outcomes…If you want to find more about Laura and her postpartum mentoring work, you can find her links in the show notes, available on the warstories from the womb website.
Thanks for listening
We’ll be back soon with another story of overcoming
